Christmas Day

Another Christmas day has come. I am led to wonder how I came to hate the holidays. The first thought I have tried to rationalize is how awful my family is. The second is how awful they were even years ago when we did celebrate the holidays as a family. Both mothers and fathers side have become so intensely repulsive I can't stand to have any contact with them at any time of year. They all think they are better than others. The level of selfishness and greed each of them possess makes me wonder where I came from. I have never been that way. Always willing to share the little I have with others and remaining loyal to those who have added something special to my life... All in all, I pulled myself together enough to help in fixing dinner tonight. It was nice and peaceful.  Tomorrow will be a busy day with work, doctors appointment, and other crap to deal with. I've put a lot more on my plate because of my stupidity and don't know how the hell I'm going to manage. I'll do the best I can I suppose and that will just have to be good enough. I don't have enough energy to do otherwise.

Maximum Instability

Its been another very long day. Frustrated, angry, sad. Just a roller coaster of emotions. Im afraid of what is to come. I don't know how I will able to keep my job. I've made one mistake after another and another. The sad thing is I am a really good and loving person. Something is missing and I have to find it. Its already too late but before I lose the rest of my life I need to pick up the pieces and carry on. I need help to do that and its the hardest thing to admit.

Snowed In

Well it looks like I will be snowed in tomorrow. They say 9 to 12 inches of snow and 50mph winds. Not good. I doubt our plants will even be able to run tomorrow. Its gonna be hell. I guess I will do some reading tonight and watch tv. Brought my laptop and paperwork home from work so I can work at home tomorrow if I have to. Not much else going on today. Got lots to think about.

The First Step

Why does it take some of us making the same mistakes over and over again before we can admit we have a problem and reach out for help? Why must it be so hard to ask for help? The fear keeps us from doing seemingly simple things to most normal people. Our past haunts us whether we are aware of it or not. Every trial and tribulation that has brought us to become who we now are.  Once we can bring ourselves to accept what we need and want to feel whole we can then begin the process of change and withstand a much greater potential of being successful.  This is my admission and this is the beginning of my journey.